Men Been Suckin’ Their Own Dicks For Centuries…

“Jealous people get annoyed and judge me because I can,” says Jim, a Facebook friend who’s been blowing himself to completion weekly since he was 16. “My dick is long — close to 10 inches — and I’m pretty flexible. Guys I date get annoyed. They just can’t seem to accept it.”

Egyptians believed male masturbation was a “creative or magical act” when performed by a god, and their lore credits Atum with birthing the entire universe by spilling seed via his own hand (aka jerking off). According to the Old Testament’s interpretation, it went a little like this: At the moment of creation, Atum spoke: I alone am the creator. When I came into being, all life began to develop. When the almighty speaks, all else comes to life. There were no heavens and no earth There was no dry land and there were no reptiles in the land…. When I first began to create, When I alone was planning and designing many creatures, I had not sneezed Shu the wind, I had not spat Tefnut the rain. There was not a single living creature. I planned many living creatures; All were in my heart, and their children and their grandchildren. Then I copulated with my own fist. I masturbated with my own hand. I ejaculated into my own mouth. From that point, he sneezed out the aforementioned wind and spat out the semen in his mouth for the aforementioned rain. Everything else — land, oceans, Furby — flowed from there.

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